I’m on week 7 of working from home and being in lock down due to the current Covid-19 pandemic. When this all started I vowed to myself that I would use this time to lose weight. I would get on top of my eating (most importantly) and start running again and the pounds would drop off. I would do indoor resistance band workouts and become a Yoga Goddess.
Of course, that has not happened.
I’ve gotten on top of my eating, I eat a lot better and more intuitively and I even picked up running again, but no matter how strict I am, the pounds are not shifting. Or at least last time I checked they weren’t.
I think this is partly because my body needs weight training to kick it into fat loss mode and partly just because that’s how life goes, unfortunately. I do occasionally worry about why I find it so difficult to lose weight. I worry that I’ve messed my metabolism up from losing and gaining weight. However, I also know I’m probably over reacting.
As I’m sure a lot of people can understand, this isolation is hard and I’ve definitely seen an impact on my mental health. I don’t mind spending time on my own, I’m pretty damn good at it because I had to learn to be as a teenager, but the seclusion has been a lot even for me. I’m used to being active and before this all began I’d just started back on a fitness journey that I was excited for. I was going to the gym 4 times a week and I was back at yoga 3 times a week. I was eating better, working hard and generally felt excited for the really positive changes I was making. Therapy was finishing up but I had also discovered a lot about myself and felt happy.
And then in the space of a week it was all ripped away from me. Work shut first, then my Yoga studio closed and then finally my gym. Of course, these were the right choices to make by the companies involved, but every bit of activity I had going on in my day just disappeared. I was now working, eating and finding entertainment in the space of 3 small-ish rooms. I wanted to keep structure in place and that’s why restriction worked so well for me to begin with. I didn’t reach my goals though, and this was disheartening, because for around 6 months now I’ve just wanted to do anything I can to return my body back to how it used to be.
Let’s talk about weight and weight loss for a second, because being open helps me and who knows when I’ll start therapy again?!
When I was at my healthiest (just out of uni) I’d hit my target of 10 stone on the scales and was a comfortable size 10 in most shops. I was deadlifting over 100kg for 3 reps, I was working really hard on my upper body, food wasn’t really a thing I concerned myself with too much. I was seeing a personal trainer once a week and I was very content. I was proud of everything that I had achieved with my body and in the gym and I loved working out.
Fast forwards a few years, now I’m 14 stone 6ish (I might have put on weight, who knows) I miss my old body but I don’t always hate my current body. I always think about food because I’ve used it as a coping mechanism for so long. I’m nowhere near as fit and strong as I used to be. I’m desperate for a trainer but can’t afford it right now. I have however discovered my love for Hot Yoga. I still love working out, but fitting it in around work is what I find difficult.
And now, to the present day and lockdown. I took up running again. It’s something I’ve dipped my toes in and out of for years now. I mostly did it because it was a quick way to get some cardio in and I actually got pretty good at it at one point. In fact, a quick 20 minutes on the treadmill before a weights session is something I still enjoy.
I went into this journey thinking I’ll be crap at running when I start again, but with some practice and consistency my stamina will go up and my weight will go down. My stamina has certainly gone up, I can now run a 5k with 2-3 breaks which is very good for me. I’m still slow but the distance is what I focus on, not the time. But my weight didn’t change and that was incredibly frustrating when I was forcing myself to do this thing that I really didn’t enjoy in order to achieve weight loss.
I’ve found, though, that running is really hurting my knees now. I think it’s because I’m carrying extra weight and I’m not strength training the important muscles that support my knees. By not having access to a gym I’ve found it very difficult to want to do strength training, or even yoga. But I powered through as much as I could, and injured myself in the process. I purchased ice packs to ice my knees daily which have helped but I’ve also finished runs and barely been able to walk. But I kept going thinking it would get easier with practice.
It doesn’t feel like it has.
Today, I went for a 3k run. It’s a regular run I do and one that I don’t find too tasking. The only difference today was that I haven’t left my flat in nearly 5 days, whereas for the last few weeks I’ve gone out nearly every single day for a walk or run. This week the weather turned and I also just didn’t feel like it. I used the weather as an excuse not to go and I’ve actually found myself feeling much better just for sitting at home. It’s strange, but I think it’s because I very rarely spend long periods of time in my own flat. I’m either at work, at the gym/yoga studio, or I’m a huge people pleaser and will go to other people’s houses instead of spending time in my own.
Also, this week, maybe a little bit longer, I’ve taken the pressure of eating well off of myself as well. I’ve had a love affair with Nutella for the past couple of weeks (after a minor regression to a previous eating disorder the week before). It came from listening to Jameela Jamil’s podcast episode with Demi Lovato in which Demi spoke about legalising food. And I realised I just wanted some Nutella on toast. Like really wanted it. Nothing else was satisfying me like the thought of that, and I think I was so fixated on it because I was stopping myself from having it. I was falling into restriction once again.
So I listened to my body and I’ve eaten a lot of Nutella on toast this week. But I’ve also eaten a lot of strawberries and made some bolognese for dinner and I’ve felt pretty satisfied with my food and just less pressured about being at home.
Today was the last day for me to get a run in and continue my ongoing streak on the Nike app. So after staying in bed until 2pm I got myself dressed and went for that simple 3k run. When I was approaching 1k and breathing hard I debated cutting it to 2k and just turning around and going home. Instead, I convinced myself that I was so close to half way I should just keep going, and I did. I hit half way and took a 5 minute break, began my run back, got about 100 meters in…. and gave up.
I realised that this movement and pressure on myself just didn’t feel good.
I read Tally Rye’s book a while ago which speaks about intuitive exercise, and this certainly wasn’t what she calls for. She’d even posted something about it the day before and my thoughts just went to this. The movement I was forcing myself to do was the bad kind of struggle. Not the difficulty you get in the gym when pressing new weights, or even the brief second of hatred of a few burpees. I just didn’t want to be doing this.
So I stopped. I turned my run timers off and I walked the rest of the way back. And it was quite nice.
I’ve come home and baked some brownies, because baking is something I love to do and I knew it would cheer me up.
I’ve realised I need to stop forcing myself to do things that my body just doesn’t enjoy, and that is running. I will definitely jump back on the treadmill once the gym re-opens but for the time being I’ve vowed to myself that I will begin bodyweight and resitance training at home. I’m also picking yoga back up again. I know I’ll have days where my body and mind just don’t want to move, and that is fine. There will also be days where I just feel lazy but movement will improve my mood. I’m trying to learn to differentiate those emotions.
I still want to lose weight, and that is totally ok and valid, and I will still work towards it. I also know that to do this I need a personal trainer, I just work better that way.
Coronavirus has made this year a write off in my book. I had a lot of plans that are on hold and that’s ok. Now, I hope to be in a financially better position by September so that I can start working out with a trainer. I’m still going to work on making better nutritional and body centric choices and I will definitely be spending more time at home. And next year, I will hit my goals and I will achieve again. Who knows, I might even get to the point one day where I want to go for a run outdoors again. But I won’t be pressuring myself, and you shouldn’t either.
Also, here they are in all their beauty and gooey goodness. I used the Humming Bird Bakery’s recipe and it is fantastic.
Quill Tricks 